Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
