Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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