When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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