my mouth tastes like poor choices
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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