I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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