You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
