so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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