Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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