ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
