the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
