he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
