Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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