I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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