I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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