Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
