got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
