One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
