I want to have your abortion
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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