This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
