I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
