Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
