i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
