My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
