Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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