worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So squirting runs in the family.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
