Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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