i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
