I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
