The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
