Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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