When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize