Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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