so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
