I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
