11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
