I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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