i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
