Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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