My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize