My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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