i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
