new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
