He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
