Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
