Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize