"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize