Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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