turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
