I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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