Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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