If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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