i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
