Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
