so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
