i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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