I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
