the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
