Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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