my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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