Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
