Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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