i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
