it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
