I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
